Friday, July 31, 2009

Mr. Crankypants: Beer for Idiots

Normally here at The Greasy Skillet, we keep Mr. Crankypants away from the keyboard because we like to keep things positive. Lately though Mr. Crankypants has been rattling his cage and has been a bit unbearable. It all started this summer when he tried to purchase a new battery for his cordless. drill. He returned with a new drill and upset because purchasing a new one was cheaper than a new battery. He's grumbled all summer about our disposable society, landfills, the economy, the environment, and how the man's always backing him into a corner.

Consequently the we've agreed to give him his own regular post, something that would allow him to vent and curb his grumblings. We'll see how this goes.

The corporate boys at Coors are probably somewhere in Golden, Colorado, at this moment giving each other congratulatory back slaps for their recent stroke of ingenuity, a beer bottle label that turns blue when the beer reaches a suitable drinking temperature. I know the man at Coors is trying to persuade me to spend my hard-earned money on his product, but he’s only succeeding in pissing me off by insulting my intelligence. Here in Kansas we to ice our beer down well before we plan on drinking it. In addition to common sense, God blessed me with the sense of touch, so that I’m capable of grabbing a beer and gauging whether or not it’s a suitable drinking temperature. Just as I don't need a warning label telling me to not operate a backhoe after consuming a six pack, I don't need this label.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the demographic Coors is targeting is the same group who purchases this:

It’s also the same blindfolded demographic that eats processed Pizza Hut pasta in their own homes and who think they’re eating fine, handmade pasta in a fancy schmantzy restaurant. Don’t get me started on this idiocy; such gimmicks are for schmucks.

Today I'm driving to Colorado, and I'm contemplating driving to the the Coors headquarters, so I can kick the collective assess of all involved in this asinine plot to snare my hard-earned beer money. However, when push comes to shove, I probably won’t waste my time. Instead, I’ll just roll down the window when I drive by and unleash a flurry of profanity that will flutter away in the rarefied mountain air. Even though no one will hear those words, I’ll feel a hell of a lot better.

Stick it to the man,
Mr. Crankypants

PS . . . I'll stick to local beer.


Adam said...

hahahahahah that was great. Like we need to dumb down beer anymore in this country.....

Marianne said...

Have fun in Golden, Mr. Cranky Pants. The Coors brewery tour is kinda cool although I freaked out once in their very tiny elevators. I'll be in the mountains fly fishing next week and I always buy some local beer in Ft. Collins. Good stuff.

Best, Miss Claustrophobia

PictureGirl said...

You are too funny! I was reading your post to my husband as I read it and we were both laughing outloud.

Gotta love Mr. Crankypants.

muddywaters said...

I apologize if I offend anyone who's a fan of Pizza Hut or the fruit bouquet.

Anonymous said...

You made one mistake: you used "beer" and "Coors" in the same sentence.

Stash said...

That demographic must be the same group that comes to NYC and eats out at Olive Garden.


Sarah said...

Good to hear from you, Mr. Crankypants, and I will second your motion to stick with local beer. Toast Coors' idiocy with something that tastes like real beer! And seriously, are those Pizza Hut people for real??