Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mr. Crankypants: BBQ Beer

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.

~Raymond Chandler

The other day I'm kicked back reading Mr. Chandler's The Big Sleep, and muddywaters comes home from the liquor store with a wet-dream grin on his face. This worried me. When muddy visits the liquor store, he usually answers the Sirens' call of those corporate marketing bastards, and he returns with some fruit-infused beverage.

I told him to wipe that grin off his face. I explained how I survived the Great Wine Cooler Scare of the 1980's, and I don't care to revisit that estrogen ash heap. He told me that I was being a jerk and a bit sexist, so I told him to quit acting like a pussy.

Normally muddy would go upstairs to pout and read some Jane Fucking Austen, but he held his ground this time. He then started telling me that he had something that would put hair on my chest. Then he pulled this out of his bag:muddy beamed and pointed to the beer like he was Vanna Fucking White.

I mellowed and attempted to comprehend the scene playing out before me.

I like the smokey taste of BBQ brisket washed down with a Shiner Bock, one of my favorite beers. I also like Guinness, which has a smokey taste. Could it be possible that after all these years, muddy knows me better than anyone?

Rather than contemplate the possibility that muddy and I were becoming one, I grabbed a cold Shiner, The Big Sleep, and headed to my hammock. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading Mr. Chandler and thinking about girls with smiles that I could feel in my hip pocket.

I'd like to buy a vowel,
Mr. Crankypants


Jenni said...

Mr. Crankypants may not say it, but what he means is, "Thank you for your support," lol. I've got to say that I generally agree with him on the wine cooler business. I only drink those when what I really want is a soda. Those green apple Smirnoff thingies are pretty good, and so is Mike's Hard Lemonade, but when I want a real adult beverage, I skip those. I'm not a big beer drinker, but I'll look for these next time I pick up beer for Danny just so I can try one myself. I think I'll drink it while reading Jane Fucking Austen in the hammock, thankyouverymuch.

The last paragraph killed me. That Mr. Crankypants may be a bit of a pain in the ass, but he's a funny guy.

High Plains Drifters said...

we were just talking about the wine cooler scare of the late '80s. worse than when the Ruskies had nukes in Cuba.

security word: hoarworm. sounds like a band that would open for Alice in Chains.

Leslie Fischer said...